2019-01-03 / Around Town

These New Year’s Resolutions Will Be Met

SLICE OF LIFE
By Amy Martin


Amy Martin is an opinion columnist with a background in family chaos, laughter and a lot of laundry. She writes from a perspective of passion, reality and humor. Amy Martin is an opinion columnist with a background in family chaos, laughter and a lot of laundry. She writes from a perspective of passion, reality and humor. We have the ancient Babylonians to thank for the practice of New Year’s resolutions. However, their resolutions included promises to the Gods to pay their debts and return borrowed items.

The focus on physique, self-care and relationship goals were most likely not a priority when life expectancy topped out around 25. They simply didn’t have time to care about their appearance or if they were emotionally balanced, since survival pretty much reigned supreme.

Today, we have ample time and the luxury of focus beyond survival. Herein lies the problem. Resolutions have morphed from survival with clear action plans (i.e. return brother in-law’s spear so he can eat) to vague longevity-oriented resolutions for wellness and appearance that lack attainable action steps (i.e. find inner peace that radiates externally). Hence, the result have become unachieved resolutions.

This year, I vow success through attainable plans of action, all in pursuit of the above-mentioned inner peace that radiates externally.

Goal: Look more fit.

Action: In lieu of losing 10 pounds I will purchase a more flattering pair of jeans and claim muscle gain. Muscle still weighs more than fat, right?

Goal: Adopt a more positive outlook.

Action: Increase my serotonin level through daily SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lamp exposure throughout the winter. Inquiries can be made this spring with my family if the desired effect was achieved. If mama ain’t happy…

Goal: Maintain environmental cleanliness.

Action: Use a Roomba!! They’re amazing, and it’s such fun to watch my dogs attack a robot while it vacuums up their hair. Cleans and entertains! It’s the full package.

Goal: Be more invested in personal presentation.

Action: Source new go-to article of clothing other than yoga pants, despite the fact that they’re the most versatile piece in existence since they can be worn for sleeping, working out and dressing up by wearing cute knee-high boots. Ensure new garment has a drawstring waist.

Goal: Consistently support myself.

Action: Wear a bra more often during the winter, even though I can easily hide this sin under sweaters and puffy coats, by tossing troublesome ones outfitted with wires and hooks and investing solely in bralettes. It’s the modern version of bra-burning without the eyesore.

Goal: Eliminate waste.

Action: Make my children clean the garbage out of my car because it’s theirs!

Goal: A strong commitment to health.

Action: Pay up front for exercise classes so I’m financially guilted into showing up. Be consistent in consuming red wine, as it prevents memory loss, cardiovascular disease and is an anticarcinogen.

Goal: Eliminate clutter.

Action: Narrow my eight email addresses to at least six.

Goal: Improve efficiency.

Action: Insist my children do their own laundry. This is somewhat underway due to a five-alarm, DEFCON 1 mommy-meltdown two weeks ago. Sadly, only my 10-yearold daughter absorbed the lesson, as my boys now sneak their underwear into the pockets of her dirty pants.

Goal: Improve my appearance.

Action: Rely heavily on Photoshop and whitening sensitivity toothpaste. Look flawless in perpetuity and achieve white teeth even with hot and cold tooth sensitivity.

Goal: Look for little blessings.

Action: Relish small gestures and moments comparable to the security gate arm being stuck in the up position when I pull into the CVS parking lot. This joy stays with me for days.

Clearly, the lesson from the ancient Babylonians is not to strive for unattainable resolutions, but to set forth on a path of achievable steps toward your survival. Based on the above list, I’m perplexed whether the definition of survival has evolved or regressed over the last 4,000 years.

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