2017-11-22 / Around Town

A SLICE OF LIFE

Thanksgiving Commentary: Shape of a Woman
By Amy Martin


Amy Martin is an opinion columnist with a background in family chaos, laughter and a lot of laundry. She writes from a perspective of passion, reality and humor. Amy Martin is an opinion columnist with a background in family chaos, laughter and a lot of laundry. She writes from a perspective of passion, reality and humor. I read an article recently about female body types. I couldn’t help but chuckle but was also perplexed by the categories that this article, and numerous others I’ve read, lump women’s bodies into. The female shape has been categorized by fruit (Does banana mean scoliosis?), geometric shapes (Truly, what is the difference between a trapezoid and an inverted triangle?), and utensils (I can’t quite grasp the fork.)

Now is the time of year when women can be especially critical of themselves with so many treats and libations offered at every turn. The holiday season is upon us, ladies, and I’m primed for a body-shape-comparison revolt. It’s time we shake this body image thing to its core and showcase the real explanations behind all women’s great assets (puns intended), especially this time of year.

Below are a few new categories far more superior for women than a pear or inverted trapezoid. So, cheers to all the ladies, all our shapes, and all the benefits that come with each and every type.

Category 1

Holiday Shopping Body Shapes

Local Shape – Envy-worthy biceps, triceps and shoulders from carrying all the local shopping gifts.

Amazon Shape – Toned legs and a strong back from dead-lifting boxes of “What the hell did I order?”

Category 2

Holiday Baking Body Shapes

Store-bought Shape – Great cardiovascular system due to constant running through grocery stores purchasing items for nonstop holiday events.

Homemade Shape – Incredible agility and defensive moves from blocking family members’ constant onslaught of confectionery thievery.

Fusion Shape – Decent cardio and agility make this body type a hybrid of the first two shapes. Unfortunately, this version tends to sweat more than previous shapes due to the perpetual fear of being exposed.

Category 3

Holiday Symbol Body Shapes

Dreidel Shape – This woman looks striking and fabulous from all angles, but feels dizzy this time of year and eventually falls over.

Candy Cane Shape – Sleek, upright frame with a forward head drop due to being constantly informed of all the things you forgot to do.

Stocking Shape – This body is absolutely perfect because nobody really cares what it looks like. It’s what’s inside that matters.

Category 4

Holiday Glassware Body Shapes

Irish Coffee Mug Shape – Fabulous, dominant arm prominently displayed on the hip resulting from waiting in lines.

Martini Glass Shape – Beautifully accentuated top distracts completely from the lower half (mainly unshaven legs).

Pilsner Shape – Sleek and curvy body with no lines or lumps because we are squeezed to death in our holiday Spanx!

Women are astute and incredibly aware of their own bodies. Believe us, we don’t need a produce section to tell us what our physical issues are. We also do our best to look appropriate, but still are going to run to the store in track pants and ill-fitting T-shirts that accentuate all the wrong parts.

Currently, I’ve identified myself as a local, store-bought, candy cane, martini-glass body shape. This shape will fluctuate greatly, however, as the season progresses, especially once holiday functions begin and my Spanx strangle me. Regardless, these aforementioned holiday classifications of female physical awareness are more relevant and useful than knowing if you are a strawberry or an octagon.

It’s fine to indulge a bit here and there over the next couple months, and there’s no sense in beating ourselves up over some delicious desserts and fun treats. This is a wonderful time of year so instead of focusing on what isn’t perfect about your body, give yourself a gift. For those who are especially driven, give yourself permission to let up a bit. For those looking for a change, grab a friend and go for a walk. We all need to do our best and enjoy the season without guilt. Self-criticism will only snuff out the beauty of the season.

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